"Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among the mysteries. "
— Theodore Roethke
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Avoiding the Blame Game
When couples come into my office hoping to improve their relationship, they usually start by telling me all about what their partner does that infuriates them. They usually have a litany of incidents that have happened between them and after running through the list want me to confirm that indeed they are right and their partner is wrong. Of course no one want to hear that they are wrong. And what is really happening is that each is focusing on the faults of their partner to justify their actions, feelings, and reactions. And most people feel that if their mate would only change then the relationship would be good and they would both be happy.
Unfortunately this only leads to bad feelings that continue to escalate and fester. Blame is often the number one culprit in unhappy marriages.
When we blame, we place the responsibility for our bad, uncomfortable feelings on another.
If you stub you toe on the door jamb you might yell or swear or even kick it. (Needless to say the door couldn't care less about your response). At other times someone may say or do things in ways that hurt or upset us.
For example, your child gets into trouble and your partner says,
"It's YOUR fault she acts that way...you never tell her no! YOU don't set limits!"
Because you feel blamed your defenses are triggered and you respond in kind,
"NO, it's YOUR fault! I don't set limits any more because you ALWAYS undermine me!"
Then your partner takes it a step further by saying,
"Oh, I know.....It' always MY fault...you never do anything wrong! All you can do is blame. Heaven forbid you actually deal with the problem!"
If we take a moment to examine this example we see that the real issue, the child's behavior, has been long lost in a maze of blame.
Blame and defensiveness has sidetracked the cople from expressing thier feelings of helplessness that the child seems out of control. Fears, perhaps, that their child will grow up t be irresponsible, disappointment that they feel inadequate as parents.
Instead they are angry at each other and saddled with two problems instead of one; their child's acting out behavior, and their own inability to resolve conflict and problem solve.
What's worse is that the parents are now working against each other, instead of working together to help their child to solve her problem. As a consequence, the child's anxiety can grow as the parental fighting escalates resulting in even more acting out. AS the problem gets worse, the couple will often respond with more blame and frustration and the cycle repeats. Blame is not the problem, but blaming inhibits the family from dealing with the real issues and working on problem solving. Blame creates a negative, "I'm right and you're wrong."
What Blame Does
Blame focueses responsibility on your partner, not the problem
Blame attempts to answer the question, "HO did it" rather that "WHAT do we do about it?"
Blame implies the desire or need for puishment
Focusing on blame misses the opportunity to resolve the conflict.
Blame assume that one is reponsible and he other is not.
Blame prolongs the conflict.
What to do Instead of Blaming
Calmly bring up what the REAL ISSUE seems to be, as you see it.
If you aren't sure what the real issue is, ask your partner to help you determine and understand it. When people feel asked to help, there is a greater tendency toward cooperation, it feels less intimidating and is often apprecited.
When you feel blamed,that doesn't necesarily mean you are actally being blamed so check it out. Express to your partner that you feel blamed and ask that what was said be said again in a way that is easier to her.
Take responsibility for your role in what has happened. This leaves the other not feeling blamed and therefore, not defensive. It also focuses you both back on the real issue.
Try to relay, in your own words, the following; "I can see we both want to blame each other for this. For now let's just take one issue at a time, and when we've solved it (the acting out of the child) we can come back to what it is we blame each other for, and discuss those issues one at another time."
If the two of you feel compelled to ignore the prospect of resolving the conflict then blame is the perfect vehicle (although certainly not the only one) for transporting you on a journey of endless conflict.
I am often asked: "But, what if what I'm blaming him/her for is true?" It sometimes happens that the placement of blame is accurate. But, that does not mean that it will necessarily be helpful in resolving the conflict.
Another option couples would be wise to consider when they are feeling blamed is to try accepting it. If you do, you might be surprised at the results. Usually, there is some element of truth in the attack, however small. Taking responsibility will immediately stop the blaming and may help you to become instantly aware of some of the important elements of the conflict that need to be addressed. Now the focus is back on the issue and away from the blame.
Unfortunately this only leads to bad feelings that continue to escalate and fester. Blame is often the number one culprit in unhappy marriages.
When we blame, we place the responsibility for our bad, uncomfortable feelings on another.
If you stub you toe on the door jamb you might yell or swear or even kick it. (Needless to say the door couldn't care less about your response). At other times someone may say or do things in ways that hurt or upset us.
For example, your child gets into trouble and your partner says,
"It's YOUR fault she acts that way...you never tell her no! YOU don't set limits!"
Because you feel blamed your defenses are triggered and you respond in kind,
"NO, it's YOUR fault! I don't set limits any more because you ALWAYS undermine me!"
Then your partner takes it a step further by saying,
"Oh, I know.....It' always MY fault...you never do anything wrong! All you can do is blame. Heaven forbid you actually deal with the problem!"
If we take a moment to examine this example we see that the real issue, the child's behavior, has been long lost in a maze of blame.
Blame and defensiveness has sidetracked the cople from expressing thier feelings of helplessness that the child seems out of control. Fears, perhaps, that their child will grow up t be irresponsible, disappointment that they feel inadequate as parents.
Instead they are angry at each other and saddled with two problems instead of one; their child's acting out behavior, and their own inability to resolve conflict and problem solve.
What's worse is that the parents are now working against each other, instead of working together to help their child to solve her problem. As a consequence, the child's anxiety can grow as the parental fighting escalates resulting in even more acting out. AS the problem gets worse, the couple will often respond with more blame and frustration and the cycle repeats. Blame is not the problem, but blaming inhibits the family from dealing with the real issues and working on problem solving. Blame creates a negative, "I'm right and you're wrong."
What Blame Does
Blame focueses responsibility on your partner, not the problem
Blame attempts to answer the question, "HO did it" rather that "WHAT do we do about it?"
Blame implies the desire or need for puishment
Focusing on blame misses the opportunity to resolve the conflict.
Blame assume that one is reponsible and he other is not.
Blame prolongs the conflict.
What to do Instead of Blaming
Calmly bring up what the REAL ISSUE seems to be, as you see it.
If you aren't sure what the real issue is, ask your partner to help you determine and understand it. When people feel asked to help, there is a greater tendency toward cooperation, it feels less intimidating and is often apprecited.
When you feel blamed,that doesn't necesarily mean you are actally being blamed so check it out. Express to your partner that you feel blamed and ask that what was said be said again in a way that is easier to her.
Take responsibility for your role in what has happened. This leaves the other not feeling blamed and therefore, not defensive. It also focuses you both back on the real issue.
Try to relay, in your own words, the following; "I can see we both want to blame each other for this. For now let's just take one issue at a time, and when we've solved it (the acting out of the child) we can come back to what it is we blame each other for, and discuss those issues one at another time."
If the two of you feel compelled to ignore the prospect of resolving the conflict then blame is the perfect vehicle (although certainly not the only one) for transporting you on a journey of endless conflict.
I am often asked: "But, what if what I'm blaming him/her for is true?" It sometimes happens that the placement of blame is accurate. But, that does not mean that it will necessarily be helpful in resolving the conflict.
Another option couples would be wise to consider when they are feeling blamed is to try accepting it. If you do, you might be surprised at the results. Usually, there is some element of truth in the attack, however small. Taking responsibility will immediately stop the blaming and may help you to become instantly aware of some of the important elements of the conflict that need to be addressed. Now the focus is back on the issue and away from the blame.
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